Ok, lets start with a disclaimer, I know some people are not going to appreciate what I’m about to say. What I am writing is my personal opinion. It does not reflect on my work affiliations and is MY sole opinion on this issue.
Now- WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE THINKING ITS COOL TO DATE NEWCOMERS?!?!? Seriously, I don’t know how you guys came in to the rooms, but I know that if you’re walking into a 12-step program, chances are there is some serious unmanageability going on in your life. We didn’t get here because we’re on the Dean’s list or CEOs of major companies. We got here because the way we were living our lives wasn’t working. Doing it our way on our terms didn’t work, we needed help. How can participate in the life of another, when we can’t even take care of ourselves?
I couldn’t. I’m fortunate that those guiding me came from the school of “We don’t make any big decisions for our first year of sobriety.” Reason being, is that I’m dealing with a LIFE and DEATH disease. Not a dis-ease! This is serious, people die everyday from alcoholism and addiction! It affects every part of our lives! Sobriety has to be a priority in our lives, not a hobby or social activity.
Newcomers are the most important people in the program. They have an opportunity to the get what so many of us have received from the 12 Steps. Its crucial that they focus on themselves and not others. Women need to be supported by women and men need to be supported by men. Not to mention, when we come in, our perception is screwed up!
As I learned about who I was and uncovered and discovered why I did the things I did (something which happens when we’re new), my perception of life began to change. Things that were once attractive to me starting losing their values. Interests and philosophies began to change. I grew and started to mature emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It’s a natural process when we really start taking an honest look at our lives.
Newcomers need to be afforded the privilege when coming in to dedicate themselves to change, not a new relationship!
“But the book doesn’t say ANYTHING about not dating newcomers!” Really, you mean the book written in 1939 during World War II wasn’t written with the emphasis of young people getting sober in the 21st century? And doesn’t it anyways though, as it takes us through the soul searching and 12-steps?
If none of this was helpful or insightful to you, I guess ask yourself. ”What was I like when I was a newcomer? Would/did a relationship in my early recover help me? Would anyone even want to be in a relationship with me who had a solid head on their shoulders?” I didn’t think so…
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Category: 12-steps, Addiction, Alcoholism, Sex, Young People